I accidentally had phone sex last night
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
