Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
