Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
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Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
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Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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