im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
