i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
