Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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