i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
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The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
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Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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