She went from zero to smokin in five shots
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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