i need an iv and a liver transplant
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
