no, he came in my armpit
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
