I wish my penis had an off switch
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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