the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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