I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
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When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
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I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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