If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
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Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
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Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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