I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
