Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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