God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
