and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
