When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
