nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
