you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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