I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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