my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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