I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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