there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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