My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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