Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.