I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
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I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
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Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that