imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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