How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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