she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
