found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
