I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
