home. puking in laundry basket.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
