No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
