What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
