OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
