it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
