**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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