Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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