I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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