I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
