Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
