I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
