I met the friendliest cop last night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
