I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
