My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
