I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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