I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
