How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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