mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
