i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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