I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
