I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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