Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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