Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
