too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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