when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
